I receive so many emails everyday and I am so grateful for the support,understanding, and it means the most to me when I hear from others that are beautiful survivors. Abuse is battling EVIL. EVERYDAY. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago that abuse feels like being held for ransom knowing you will never have the ability to pay that ransom!! Portland, your email touched me so deeply. And you know your a survivor because you allowed him to take nothing of your inner beauty. It’s the abusers false perception as they WILL NEVER OWN OR POSSESS ANY OF US. Your EVIL was for naught. Your efforts fruitless. And to all the men and women that are helping Richard Zona Jr., my abuser, by trying to silence my TRUTH….. your not only EVIL but lowly COWARDS. Just in the last 48 hours someone tried to hack my blog CONSTANTLY. Portland, thank you so much for your email and let’s keep sharing with the world who these men are and what they do. I was not born to amazing loving parents that did everything right to have abuse infect my entire adult life and my families life. This diary of mine is my battle cry. This email is from my soul sister! I am glad you survived too!:)
I happened to come across this, and rang so much truth, you will NEVER have enough to pay your ransom!!
I am also a survivor, and I wrote a letter, that I never send to my abuser, but thought you’d might be able to recognize part of your own experience, as these narcissistic sociopaths are monsters with one agenda; to use and abuse!
I am glad you survived your abuser, keep strong girl!
Xoxo from a survivor in Portland.
Deep down I knew about your intentions all along. I saw it the moment we locked eyes for the very first time. I knew it, but I didn’t want to listen to my intuition. I was blinded by my heart.and you made me soft in your arms. Oh, how you had me swept away when your eyes smiled at me. You made me feel beautiful and I wanted time to stand still and let the moment last Forever, as if I already then – deep down – knew we wouldn’t last.
Because you wanted more than just my Love, didn’t you Baby?? It wasn’t enough. You wanted control.and you wanted to consume. You tried all the tricks in the book to make me surrender my Spirit to you. First with your charm to win me over. Later you punished me by withholding your affection from me. It was a silent sort of punishment, and it was cruel. You wanted me to need you, and you knew just how.
All you needed was to feed on me. You saw my strength and my giving nature and you wanted all I had to give.To fill up your own vessel. Your void. And I let you. I wanted to give you everything and anything you asked. I wanted to please you and make you happy.God knows I tried!
I needed you so much and loved you even harder.
I was an easy target for your games, wasn’t I?!
But I wasn’t broken yet, and you needed to break me to get what you wanted. And like a narcissistic vampire you showed me your fangs.
And I saw behind your mask for the first time. When your eyes turned to hatred and you went into a mad rage and beat me up with the same hands I had kissed and held to my heart. At first I was in denial. Wouldn’t accept the truth. Surely I was to blame for what went wrong, I just had to try harder……
But then it happened again. And again. Still, I tried to hold on, hoping you would take me in your arms and say it was a terrible mistake. You couldn’t have missed the love you saw in my eyes, the sadness and hurt. The fear. But you kept on stomping all over me. As if it was your given right to do so.
I will never forget the night i escaped your tight grip of terror. When I finally realized that you never loved me and never would, even if I picked the stars out of Heaven for you. You would hate me for that too! Nothing I could say or do would ever make you love (me)
No light can shine in your bottomless pit of Evil.
I saw you in my rear view mirror as I drove away. You stood on the road with your eyes fixed on mine, just as when we first met.
Only now I know it is the look of a predator on its prey before it strikes.
That has been the hardest part to accept, the realization that you were never really there. My twin, my friend, my lover. my Joseph only lived in my mind and in my heart. You were nothing but an illusion. Its maddening, because. how the fuck do you mourn the loss of deception!!
But in a bitter-sweet way it makes it easier to say Goodbye. Because in the end I knew it was nothing but a beautiful Dream that turned into a Nightmare.
And now I’m Awake.
Love is Patient
Love is Kind
It does not Envy
It does not Boast, it is not Rude
It is not Proud
It is not Self-Seeking
It is not easily Angered
It keeps no records of Wrong
Love does not delight in Evil
But rejoices with the Truth
It always Protects, always Trusts
Always Hopes, Always Preserves.
Love never Fails.
1 Corinthis 13: 4 – 8~